been highly humany all day today (this is day 3 of current dose). but there’s been a bump each time i increased the dose. have to wait 3-4 weeks to weeks to see if anything changes. enjoying it for now. laziness of a couple days ago seems to have abated, but i did take a mid-morning nap and an afternoon liedown, so maybe i’m just getting adequate rest :)
wow…i got blue reading about a sick kitty that got better (started thinking about all the vulnerable and weak humans and animals that don’t receive the care that they need) and although i started to get alarmed at the feeling, i was able to take a deep breath, realized that it was just a sad feeling and that it would pass. realized that i would be better soon. and thinking those things was comforting and helped lift me a bit. i also realized that even though i felt sad, i could still do things…i could sort of put the sad feeling to the side and still do things. wow..
just remember self-comfort…self-soothing..i can do that. it’ll be okay.
i’ll just keep trying to do things like this…each one of these difficulties faced and moved on through is another day.
I: The voices in my head telling me I won’t make it.
II: The lump in my throat when I try not to cry.
III: The ache in my chest when I try to tell myself that I will be okay.
— It sucks when you think you’re finally starting to get better. (via kjpoems)
Love, in Words and Actions
Many of us have confused notions about what it means to be loved and cared about.
Many of us were loved and cared for by people who had discrepancies between what they said and did.
We may have had a mother or father who said, “I love you” to us, and then abandoned or neglected us, giving us confused ideas about love. Thus that pattern feels like love - the only love we knew.
Some of us may have been cared for by people who provided for our needs and said they loved us, but simultaneously abused or mistreated us. That, then, becomes our idea of love.
Some of us may have lived in emotionally sterile environments, where people said they loved us, but no feelings or nurturing were available. That may have become our idea of love.
We may learn to love others or ourselves the way we have been loved, or we may let others love us the way we have been loved, whether or not that feels good. It’s time to let our needs be met in ways that actually work. Unhealthy love may meet some surface needs, but not our need to be loved.
We can come to expect congruency in behavior from others. We can diminish the impact of words alone and insist that behavior and words match.
We can find the courage, when appropriate, to confront discrepancies in words and actions - not to shame, blame, or find fault, but to help us stay in touch with reality and with our needs.
We can give and receive love where behavior matches one’s words. We deserve to receive and give the best that love has to offer.
Today, I will be open to giving and receiving the healthiest love possible. I will watch for discrepancies between words and behaviors that confuse me and make me feel crazy. When that happens, I will understand that I am not crazy; I am in the midst of a discrepancy.
— The Language of Letting Go. (via comptonasskindra88)
i’ve been feeling like davey lately http://www.downvids.net/adventure-time-episode-111-davey-390322.html#AddBlog.
was fine today. lots of sugar.
it’s funny, when the medicine first started working consistently, i felt so powerful..i would try to do all kinds of stuff…immediately started on improvement plans, etc. then i experienced some problems with the medication…things got hard again..but i’ve increased my dosage and things are steady again. but now i just want to savor the feeling good and the being able to do things. i’m taking it easy and taking my time to do things. just, not rushing. not diving headlong into things. i just want to savor feeling fine for a while and not “push it”…i guess it’s some kind of superstition that if i try to go “all out” again that i’ll stumble and fall, or overcommit…i guess the bottom line is that i’m perfectly happy with the pace of my recovery right now…i am doing what i want to be doing and taking things at the pace that feels good and right right now. i’m checking i with myself frequently these days, so if i notice that i’m not doing what i want to be doing, i will be able to correct course. i CAN do that. i can change things about my behavior if i want to.