it’s amazing how when how bad you feel doesn’t occupy the front of your mind, your mind starts to wander towards the kinds of things that could be…i read once that depression makes you self-centered in a way because you spend a lot of time trying to deal with your own state…and your own state is on your mind a lot of hte time, leaving little energy or room for thinking about (and creating) things that don’t yet exist. and not only that, but the depressed brain is less likely to think of things anyway, and when it does, it shoots them down.
even when scarlett is the main character, she’s still a terrifying other that the audience isn’t expected to identify with.
witchcraft…i’m doing my work and answering emails. it’s not that the dark cloud is gone, it’s just that i got started working and am somehow able to maintain momentum. my coworker helped me.
bad again today….went to psychiatrist and he increased my dose to 200 and gave me samples of deplin (l-methylfolate). going to take the new dosage before i start taking the l-methylfolate because i’m really skeptical of it (there are only two trials, both funded by the company that makes deplin) and will consider getting the genetic test done before taking the deplin also.
fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. can i give up and make a pilgrimage to geel yet?
if i had my own blog:
- so your brain wants to kill you: surviving with a brain that wants you to not do anything and that tells you that things would be better if you were unconscious and/or dead
- can’t get your own mood/emotions/mental state off of your mind? do this.
- fuck dudes who when they first meet you look and talk to you as if you’re an amazing talking unicorn.
- cool new shit that cooperative people are doing and the kinds of things that they’d probably be interested in collaborating on.
- women who are doing their own thing, how they got there, and how they’re getting by
- just a catalog of real women who have tried to do things getting severely punished and/or killed and another catalog that’s stories about famous men and groups of men along with the nameless or barely known marginalized women who enabled their ability to do their thing.
- some things you didn’t know about programming/hacking/hackers/Tech that may be considered counterintuitive to those who consider themselves “nontechnical.”
- isn’t it crazy how some things that are very common in a woman’s experience and that can elicit identification when discussed with other women get confused non-recognition from many men that you may discuss the issue with? here is a list of some of those things.
- so you want to be a technomad with mostly just your bike, a tiny tent, and your laptop. here’s how to do it as a woman.
- not being scared of completely running out of money: what to do to feel like you can always get by and figure something out.
- so you’re not the liberated woman you want to be. that’s ok.
- so you’re no longer the liberated woman you may have been at one time…maybe you did crazy stuff in college or right after college, but you’ve been smacked down by life and unemployment and exclusive professional environments and you might feel very low on options/like you have to settle/like your life is not in control. you know that this is an illusion, but you can’t escape this way of thinking. how to escape it?
- take control of your life. identify your fears and the things holding you back. identify the things that you want your life to be like (it can even be “i’d like to lead a life where i’m not scared of failure”)
- if you find yourself wanting to work in a lottery industry.
- i think that it’s not a good idea to try and do as a job something you very deeply care about.
- maintaining good boundaries and maintaining a sense of self in a relationship.
- maintaining good boundaries and maintaining a sense of self in a relationship when both of you don’t ever really have to be at a particular place for work.
- destroying your inner censor.
- trying to be a human who wants to move her life forward while also dealing with depression.
- identify when “your life energy isn’t being used for the things that you want to do.” (this has been particularly difficult for me as a depressed person…my experience of depression has included a lot of doing things that i don’t want to do and feeling out of control…like my body just does things that i don’t want…so this has been very difficult for me.)
- how to know when you’re in a bad situation (with work, with a living situation, with relatives, with a partner, with a friend, with yourself (mind, body, substance abuse, undesirable patterns, denial, feelings of powerlessness, etc.).
- identify when you’re in a community (this includes work!) that is not serving your needs. envision what a community that you’d like to be a part of would look like. find it or create it.
if i had my own scifi stories:
- a woman just does her thing.
- it was really hard for her, and even though she experiences loss, a woman figures something out, discovers/keeps her sense of self, she may become harder, but she doesn’t lose her ability to empathize and doesn’t become bitter and cynical.
- a woman tries to learn some things in a man’s field while dealing with her own mental health problems that are trying to sabotage her, with discrimination, and with the difficulty of the material.
- a woman tries to become a parkour ninja
- a woman travels back in time to europe in the middle ages and suffers some predictable discrimination that ends in her experiencing violence.
- a woman works with other people (men and women) to solve some important problems in an environment where no one is an exploitative jerk and where everyone is a genuinely non-discriminating good faith collaborator that’s genuinely interested in the other people and assumes that they’re humans and are capable of figuring things out with help.
- a woman with crippling mental health issues gets to live a fulfilling life free of any expectations that anyone might have of her in geel, belgium. once in this environment, free from the pressure to figure out how to make a living and free from the expectation that she be able to learn and/or create and or lead a free life boldly following her dreams in the grand american
traditionfantasy, she slowly feels along the walls of her own creativity, spending time alone and in a calm community of people who understand how hard it can be to figure out who you are and what you’re capable of and who give you lots of space but are also very good at boundaries (basically where we all trust each other), becoming herself…
- just feminist revenge fantasies. i think this is where the ninja thing comes in.
- a funny story where a person who is successfully medicated against depression is in a zombie apocalypse and runs out of medication. the hilarious and totally predictable story of how they gradually lose the survival instinct until they give up and get eaten by zombies. if only the last human survivor of the zombie apocalypse wasn’t a depressed person! what a woild.
- a woman finds herself in an alternate universe where it’s standard for women to be given a fair shake, treated as human, helped, given the benefit of the doubt, assumed to be as capable/as smart/as capable of learning and doing things as men, and where their contributions, insight, and interests are considered valuable and valid. garbage masculine interests like sports, war, national and international politics, advancing up the career ladder, having loads of money, having loads of status, having loads of stuff, having loads of power, “getting the girl,” saving the world, “being the best at X”, and all the other boring concerns are treated as the stupid fucking garbage that they are. in this world, people like to cooperate to solve problems for all of humanity and are interested and open to considering smart ideas for doing this and humble in the face of lived experience that’s different from their own..and correctly recognize oppression of marginalized groups.
back in the hole today.
drank half a bottle of wine yesterday, not sure if that’s related. drank more hte night before and yesterday i felt great, so who the fuck knows.
"have you ever felt an emotion that you didn’t feel guilty about or feel like you needed to apologize for having…." sigh.
i feel better today. even if i didn’t actually feel better, i’d know i was better because i did some cleaning because i wanted things to be clean, i brushed my teeth because i was like “gee, my teeth don’t feel so good. i should brush them,” and i didn’t eat compulsively. also i can focus, i don’t have the “life is a burden” feeling, i want to do things, i have ideas for things, and i can do things.
one of the things that sucks about depression is that when you ARE able to do things, you can’t really do a good job at them. and your motivation is so sporadic, unpredictable, and easily shattered that you can’t ever really stick with something through the being shitty at it phase to get good enough to do anything. lots of half-finished projects…lots of things that could move forward if you just went to the hardware store and bought some batteries…lots of creative projects that are aborted at the idea stage.